I’m Back

Posted by adamlepp in Identity, Life

You might be wondering why I’m starting this post out with a picture of a lion.  I’ll tell you why, just not yet.  This last month and a half have sucked.  I was down and out for the count.

Life was depressing.  I felt like I had offered everything I have to offer and was in waiting mode.

At least, that was the lie I was believing.  Funny thing is, I didn’t even realize it.  A little over a week ago (aka Friday the 18th) two people came to me and asked why I was so sad and depressed.  To the first I replied “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” And “Life is great, I’m just tired.”  I honestly believed the words coming out of my mouth.  It was the second commenter (just discovered that that is not a word) that made me open my eyes to what was going on.  It came as a text message on my phone and went something like this: “Something is going on with you.  You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want, but at least tell me how I can pray for you.”

To the person who sent me that text: I hope you know just how thankful I am for you and that text you sent.

I’m going to call this person Jane.  Jane didn’t leave me much room to run away from the issue and revert to my default answer, but for the first time I didn’t want to.  Part of it has to do with the great friendship I have with Jane and her words carry a great deal of weight, but I was also sick and tried of just pushing this, well whatever it was, off and ignoring it.  I replied with what I believe to be the 2nd longest text message I have ever sent.

Most of my message was pure, unprocessed thought (I am an extrovert after all).  Judging by Jane’s response, I don’t think it made much sense.  It didn’t really make sense to me.  I wish I hadn’t deleted the text yesterday so I could quote parts of it here.  I remember talking about three different things:  I was taking on a new role in my work, I was believing the lie that I’m not good enough, and something else that I’m completely spacing on.  It was getting late so I crawled into bed and called it a night.

Saturday passed, it was ok.  Saturday night however I had my first breakthrough.  I tried praying.  God answered.  Who would have thought!  Basically I just cried out asking for God to help me through whatever it was in my life that was weighing me down.  As I’m crawling into bed, my mind starts racing and this simple but very real thought came into my head.  I had nothing to fight for.

I had come to Bemidji with two passions, and over the course of the school year, I saw them come to pass.  I just kind of stopped there though.  I fought with everything I had to see those passions come to be, but when I ran out of things to fight for, I just slumped over to the corner to stop fighting.  Before this night, I had even made the comment in my head after studying the Armor of God found in Ephesians 6.  ”What’s the point in wearing our armor if there is no fight to use it in?” I asked.  Lol, what should have been an obvious red flag got completely ignored.  It’s really hard to be a fighter if you don’t have anything to fight for.

So Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday all came and went.  They were all meh days, although Friday was pretty cool as I celebrated my birthday (yes 2 months late) with two very good friends of mine.  Saturday sucked as I feel into sin and just didn’t do anything productive.  I crawled into bed, sobbing.

This is where I have to get a bit non-descriptive in what I’m talking about.  I’d love to tell you all, but I want to respect and honor all involved in this.

So, I figured I’d try that whole praying thing again.  ”God, I need your help.”  As I’m sitting there, I figured I really wasn’t getting anywhere, much less falling asleep.  Might as well call one of my best friends from back home.  Except no answer.  Well, back to crying.  Let’s try the calling thing again.  Still no answer.  I gave up and tried to fall asleep.  Out a desperation, I texted my friend from back home wondering what they were up to tonight.  ”Getting ready to call you” said the reply text!  God was about to answer my prayer.

There has been this small issue in my life that I have been more or less ignoring.  When looking at it, it really wasn’t a big deal, and definitely not something worth fretting about.  I did ask a couple people around me, but they all gave me the same response.  It turns out that this issue was a very big deal in my life and affecting every aspect of it.  I couldn’t afford to ignore it anymore.

As I was talking to my friend from back home, I was given a very different answer.  If I were to condense what they told me in one sentence it would be this:  Adam, don’t conform to what the world says but just be Adam.

They also made a comment about how I was being treated like a animal locked up in a cage.  I wasn’t designed to be locked up in a cage.  I was made to be wild (hence the lion image).

So, back to this issue in my life that I’m being vague about.  Well, the world tells me that I should do one thing.  Everybody around me was telling to do the same thing.  To do that, however, was in complete contradiction to who I am.  I could not do that one thing without sacrificing who God created me to be.

I made a commitment last night to be me, no matter the costs.  That commitment may lead me to making a very foolish move, but I would rather make a foolish move than be somebody I’m not.

That was last night.  Today has been the greatest day I had since January.  Praise God.

My favorite Christmas present

Posted by adamlepp in Identity, Relationships

For those of you who don’t know there are 5 love languages out there.  I first remember taking the “test” or whatever you want to call it back in my early years of college.  My top to love languages: Physical Touch and Quality Time.  I fully agree with the results and might even add in Words of affirmation.  However, Acts of Service and Receive gifts are almost meaningless to me.  Don’t take that the wrong way, they just aren’t my love languages.

So, as you might guess, I don’t exactly enjoy getting Christmas gifts.  I mean they are cool and what not, but in the end it’s just more stuff that I don’t really need.  In the past, I have walked into Christmas with a very bad attitude regarding gifts.  Something changed this year.  It was a comment my mom made randomly after us kids telling her that she spends way to much time and money buy presents.  She replied along the lines of “yeah, I know but I enjoy it so much.”  As she said it, I just happend to glance up and see the smile on her face.  It was just radiant with love.

I was shocked.  Here I was so self-centered, paying attention to myself and how I receive love.  But after seeing my mom that way, I couldn’t help but watch both my parents in wonder as the family continued opening gifts throughout the season.  Even my dad in all his comments about spending too much money on presents had this joy on his face as we opened gifts.

All of a sudden, it became joyful to open the gifts my parents had got for me.  It was their way of loving me and even though it doesn’t always line up with the way I want to be loved, it was by far the greatest present this Christmas.  To know that my parents love me more than I will ever know.

So this post goes out to them.  Mom and Dad, I love you!

The end of a semester

Posted by adamlepp in Hope, Identity

This semester has been, tough.  It wasn’t at all what I was expecting.  This semester has been amazing.

Somewhere in the caos of finding a place to sleep at night, trying to find partners that would support me on campus, looking for a church home, meeting people I would soon call friends, and working on campus I found myself dreaming.  Big dreams, dreaming like I’ve never dreamed before.  To see God radically change this community, and especially this campus.

I found myself awake for the first time in a long time.  No longer dead, no longer going through the motions.  I’ve spent the last two years seeking my identity, trying to figure out who God, my creator, had created me to be.  And I think I’ve known in my head for some time, but it never touched my heart.  There were aspects there, but not fully.  But than that ship thing happend.  And I know now, more than ever, that I have a lot to learn yet of who I am.  But the foundation is being set, the core of who I am flowed into my heart.

And so I chased those dreams.  I ran full speed ahead, only to have every dream thrown to the ground.  The world told me no, that I couldn’t chase those dreams.  Every step was met with an unexpected road block.  I was heartbroken.  I wanted to give up, I thought about turning back.  ”Let somebody else chase that dream” and “what’s the point?” were common though processes in my head.  I questioned if my dreams were even from God, maybe I was just being prideful and selfish, seeking my will be done.  Everything told me to quit.

I couldn’t quit.  Somewhere in this process of me discovering me, I’d changed.  My dreams are much bigger than me, so much more than I could every hope to accomplish on my own.  So, with every ounce of strength that I have, I move forward.  With every step, I move forward; leaving a bit of my old-self in the past and realizing more of my new-self.  I’m still not perfect.  I still have a lot to work on.

I’m starting to see fruit.

Every ounce of hurt and pain along the race has been worth it.  I think today is the day everything changes.  Today is the day satan cowers in the corner because he knows he has lost. Today is the day that God’s dream and reality start to look like one another.

And the point (aka application) of all this:  Whatever your dream is, however big or small your dream is, however impossible your dream is, run has hard as you can and never give up.  Because if you do, God will pick you up when you fall, God will carry you when you can no longer take a step forward, and God will fill you with an unimaginable joy in the process.

but that is not what ships are for

Posted by adamlepp in Heaven Bound, Hope, Identity

The above was my Facebook status the other day.  I spent a good deal of my day yesterday in a state of frustration with God.  It seems like I keep finding myself in these places where I am just coasting along, doing the motions.  It drives me nuts!  I can’t stand it.  I realized yesterday though something I hadn’t processed or understood in my heart before.  I fall into those habits because I fear what would happen if I didn’t.

The quote on my Facebook status says it perfectly, a ship in a harbor is safe.  There are no waves or storms that capsize it.  There is dry and safe land just a few feet away.  A ship, however, was not made to spend it’s days in a harbor.  They are ment to sail the sea.  They are built to go out.  They are designed to cross the vast seas.

And that’s what hit me yesterday.  I’m not built to spend my days in a safe harbor going through the motions.  NO!  I have a purpose and it’s to let the winds take me out into deep waters.  There are many storms out in the sea.  There are many unknowns.  Will I get wet if I leave this harbor?  Yeah, probably.  Will things get messy?  They very well might.  Will Jesus be there to calm the storms, pick me up when I fall, and make things right?  Most defiantly.

I mean, lets be honest.  If my purpose to be out there, then that is what God designed me for.  Even more so, that is His will for me to be there.  I think Erwin McManus got it right when he said:

To live outside God’s will puts us in danger; to live in his will makes us dangerous.

Therefore, in reality, docking in the harbor is probably much more dangerous then being out where I belong.

So I declare now, for the world to know.  I am setting sail.  I’m not waiting for morning, or even for the weather to clear.  I leave now.  I trust in the Lord God almighty to take care of me.  For He is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

Bold!?!?! I dont want to be bold.

Posted by adamlepp in Heaven Bound, Hope, Identity

I’m guessing from the title your thinking something along the lines of: God is trying transform Adam’s life into a life that is bold when sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Well, maybe your not thinking that, but if you were, you would still be wrong. The idea of being bold has been on my mind a lot lately. Even more so, the idea of how I don’t want to be bold (just like the title implies ). Now you might be thinking that isn’t very Christian. Shouldn’t we be bold in sharing our faith?

It all started at a retreat I was at. The topic: God’s Crazy Love. We spent time studying how God was crazy in love with us and learned through a real life situation how to love those around us. After returning home, the idea started forming in my head. What if we love people so crazily, that the concept of being bold had no meaning because we loved them so much that we just didn’t care about ourselves.

What would the world look like if that is how we treated each other.  What if we loved so much, that those we loved would want to have what we have?  What if we loved so much, that sharing the gospel was an act of love and not one of those things that we just have to be “bold” about and do?

Thoughts?  I’d love to hear them.  Post in the comments.

Forgetful

Posted by adamlepp in Identity, Life

So there I was in church this morning thinking about where I was.  And I don’t mean physically.  This summer has been one of my toughest yet, under almost constant spiritual attack, and to be honest, not doing all that great of a job at fighting back.

While sitting there, the worship team leading us in some great songs, I just start to listen.  Not to the music, but listening for God to speak.  And guess what, He did!  And He reminded me the very simple truths in life.  Why was I struggling so hard this summer?  Well, in the terminology of John Eldredge, I wasn’t partaking in a battle and I definitely wasn’t on an adventure.  And without those two very important things in a man’s life, it’s easy to loose purpose and get caught up in sin.

The thing is, I know where the battle is on campus, and I know what it looks like.  I love fighting there.  But what do I do when schools not in session and the battle seams liks it isn’t there.  The truth is that it still is, but I believe the lie that it is far away.  The truth is it just looks different durring the summer.  As for my adventure, I’m still not sure what that looks like.  I can tell you though that in my adventure, I have no idea whats going to come next.

So, with that in mind, I’m going to fight.  I going to fight till my last breath and give it my all.  And I can almost bet things are going to get messy.  As the pastor was giving his sermon this morning, he quoted a couple of different guys (whose names I don’t remember).  One of the quotes talked about how the safest places to be was in the center of God’s will.

The safest place in the world is to be in the center of God’s will.

The other quote:

The center of God’s will is dangerous. To live outside God’s will puts us in danger, to live in His will makes us dangerous.

I love the second quote.  I love being dangerous.  I love being inside of God’s will.  It’s adventurous, it’s exhilarating.  It brings purpose and meaning to life.  It taking steps based on faith, rather than facts.  It’s scary.  It’s awesome!

So yeah, I have no idea if this post made any sense or not.  I have the strangest feeling it doesn’t, but that’s ok.  Love to hear your thoughts.

Peace and blessings,

Adam