I’m Back

Posted by adamlepp in Identity, Life

You might be wondering why I’m starting this post out with a picture of a lion.  I’ll tell you why, just not yet.  This last month and a half have sucked.  I was down and out for the count.

Life was depressing.  I felt like I had offered everything I have to offer and was in waiting mode.

At least, that was the lie I was believing.  Funny thing is, I didn’t even realize it.  A little over a week ago (aka Friday the 18th) two people came to me and asked why I was so sad and depressed.  To the first I replied “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” And “Life is great, I’m just tired.”  I honestly believed the words coming out of my mouth.  It was the second commenter (just discovered that that is not a word) that made me open my eyes to what was going on.  It came as a text message on my phone and went something like this: “Something is going on with you.  You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want, but at least tell me how I can pray for you.”

To the person who sent me that text: I hope you know just how thankful I am for you and that text you sent.

I’m going to call this person Jane.  Jane didn’t leave me much room to run away from the issue and revert to my default answer, but for the first time I didn’t want to.  Part of it has to do with the great friendship I have with Jane and her words carry a great deal of weight, but I was also sick and tried of just pushing this, well whatever it was, off and ignoring it.  I replied with what I believe to be the 2nd longest text message I have ever sent.

Most of my message was pure, unprocessed thought (I am an extrovert after all).  Judging by Jane’s response, I don’t think it made much sense.  It didn’t really make sense to me.  I wish I hadn’t deleted the text yesterday so I could quote parts of it here.  I remember talking about three different things:  I was taking on a new role in my work, I was believing the lie that I’m not good enough, and something else that I’m completely spacing on.  It was getting late so I crawled into bed and called it a night.

Saturday passed, it was ok.  Saturday night however I had my first breakthrough.  I tried praying.  God answered.  Who would have thought!  Basically I just cried out asking for God to help me through whatever it was in my life that was weighing me down.  As I’m crawling into bed, my mind starts racing and this simple but very real thought came into my head.  I had nothing to fight for.

I had come to Bemidji with two passions, and over the course of the school year, I saw them come to pass.  I just kind of stopped there though.  I fought with everything I had to see those passions come to be, but when I ran out of things to fight for, I just slumped over to the corner to stop fighting.  Before this night, I had even made the comment in my head after studying the Armor of God found in Ephesians 6.  ”What’s the point in wearing our armor if there is no fight to use it in?” I asked.  Lol, what should have been an obvious red flag got completely ignored.  It’s really hard to be a fighter if you don’t have anything to fight for.

So Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday all came and went.  They were all meh days, although Friday was pretty cool as I celebrated my birthday (yes 2 months late) with two very good friends of mine.  Saturday sucked as I feel into sin and just didn’t do anything productive.  I crawled into bed, sobbing.

This is where I have to get a bit non-descriptive in what I’m talking about.  I’d love to tell you all, but I want to respect and honor all involved in this.

So, I figured I’d try that whole praying thing again.  ”God, I need your help.”  As I’m sitting there, I figured I really wasn’t getting anywhere, much less falling asleep.  Might as well call one of my best friends from back home.  Except no answer.  Well, back to crying.  Let’s try the calling thing again.  Still no answer.  I gave up and tried to fall asleep.  Out a desperation, I texted my friend from back home wondering what they were up to tonight.  ”Getting ready to call you” said the reply text!  God was about to answer my prayer.

There has been this small issue in my life that I have been more or less ignoring.  When looking at it, it really wasn’t a big deal, and definitely not something worth fretting about.  I did ask a couple people around me, but they all gave me the same response.  It turns out that this issue was a very big deal in my life and affecting every aspect of it.  I couldn’t afford to ignore it anymore.

As I was talking to my friend from back home, I was given a very different answer.  If I were to condense what they told me in one sentence it would be this:  Adam, don’t conform to what the world says but just be Adam.

They also made a comment about how I was being treated like a animal locked up in a cage.  I wasn’t designed to be locked up in a cage.  I was made to be wild (hence the lion image).

So, back to this issue in my life that I’m being vague about.  Well, the world tells me that I should do one thing.  Everybody around me was telling to do the same thing.  To do that, however, was in complete contradiction to who I am.  I could not do that one thing without sacrificing who God created me to be.

I made a commitment last night to be me, no matter the costs.  That commitment may lead me to making a very foolish move, but I would rather make a foolish move than be somebody I’m not.

That was last night.  Today has been the greatest day I had since January.  Praise God.

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