Hurting, scared, but still in love
I realize I often times only write about the good going on in my life, and how awesome God is. I realize, however, that life isn’t perfect, and even I go through hard times. I won’t set this one up much, instead I’ll just go into it.
First, I’m in a lot of pain right now. And it really sucks. I’m not talking a physical pain, but in a spiritual sense. It really sucks because it just tears me up inside. I just want to start crying. It hurts so much. The worst part is that I don’t know why. I don’t know what is causing all this pain. I know it’s something deep, deep inside me, and I really don’t want to start digging at it because that will probably make it worse. The devil has been throwing a lot of things at me, telling me it’s this or that, but I know it is just him trying to get to me and start looking in the wrong places.
Second, I’m really scared. Two parts to this one. As I said above, I’m really scared to dig up what is actually causing this pain. I’m scared because I don’t want it to be more painful then it already is (yeah yeah, I know that if I would just dig it up, then this pain would end, but no, I’d rather just sit here content in the pain I’m in for long time). The other part is (and from a head smart sense, this doesn’t make much sense) I really am comfortable with my God in a box the way He is. I know that as I start down this path of seeking healing, He will reveal to me even more how big He is. He is going to shape me and mold me into someone very different then I am now.
Lastly, and this revelation just came to me last Sunday night while at Oasis. I’m still in love with my father. I think I forget that sometimes. I will still praise Him and worship Him as I wait for Him. I know now that this is all part of His plan and I do (as much as I don’t want t0) trust Him with all of my strength. It isn’t much, but it’s all He asks form. I know I’m not perfect, and I wont be, but I’ll try. The man is simply amazing, and so good to me.
I thank you God, for everything. Thank you for giving me friends in my life who care about me, who see me for who I am, no matter how much I often try to hide it. Thank for Annie and Ashley who are going out of their way to pray for me tonight. Will you lead me, and help me to trust you, for I know that you only want the very best for me. You are so good to me. I don’t deserve your love, but thank you so very much for it. I love you too. Amen.
